If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em
by Snake in the Grass
Summary: Poor, unsuspecting Remus is intent on a bath, but ends up getting a little more than he bargained for! Set during the Marauders' years at Hogwarts. Yaoi. Lemon! Lupin's POV. JPxSBxRL


Disclaimer: No, I do not own the occupants of Hogwarts. But god, if I did...

Warnings: Yaoi, meaning guy on guy. In this case, guy on guy on guy, so if you can't stomach gay sex or threesomes, this is not the fic for you. Everybody else, enjoy!

I attend Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, so it stands to reason I would see my fair share of strangeness.

Sure, I've witnessed a fellow student ripped apart during a Magical Creatures lesson. I've watched in horrified silence as a girl turned her blood to fire with a misplaced curse. I've seen James carried off the Quidditch field with the most bizarre injuries one could imagine.

But the thing that happened to me one Thursday night about a month from Christmas tops the list.

It went a bit like this.

I'd been tutoring first years in the library (I know, I know, I'm a regular little model student) and it was well past eleven o'clock in the evening. The halls had emptied by this time of night. I had been named a prefect this year, and I was still getting used to the fact I wasn't considered out of bounds until twelve o'clock. Prefect's privilege. I still felt oddly exposed, wandering the halls on my own, without James' invisibility cloak. I turned down another corridor, coming to a stop in front of the prefect's bathroom. This was about the only reason I enjoyed being a prefect. Not only was the post a lot of responsibility, but it also gave my best friends license to torture me mercilessly.

I muttered the password (rubber duck; someone obviously had a sense of humor) and turned the knob. I froze with one foot poised over the threshold.

I'd expected the bathroom to be empty at this hour, but it wasn't. It was occupied. By two boys in varying stages of undress. Their shirts were tossed haphazardly over a couple of the numerous taps. One of them was on his feet, pants unzipped, the water in the bath reaching just above his ankle. The other was on his knees, his mouth firmly wrapped around the other's cock.

Now I admit it, this wasn't the first time I'd walked in on some less than savory behavior after hours in the prefect's bathroom. My philosophy was usually just to turn around and walk away. I never needed a bath _that_ badly.

"Sorry," I muttered, "Didn't…oh, fucking hell!"

Two pairs of eyes had turned toward me as I spoke. All three of us froze.

"Remus?" the two of them sputtered at once.

Indeed. The boys happened to be James Potter and Sirius Black, my two best friends in the world.

Stepping inside the bathroom, I closed the door behind me, hearing the lock click. There was no need to broadcast this little encounter to the entire castle.

James and Sirius had both risen to their feet. James was smiling awkwardly, a small blush working its way up his neck. Sirius, on the other hand, looked just like he always did. Cool, collected, and utterly fearless.

"So…" I began, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, "You two turn queer while I was at lessons?"

Brown eyes met blue for just a moment, before they dissolved into peals of hysterical laughter.

"Are you drunk?" I inquired, feeling extremely out of a loop that I was pretty sure I didn't want to be in.

"Nope, not drunk, mate," Sirius answered. He ran his fingers through his thick black mane unconcernedly. I had always admired him. Not just for his magical talent, but for the seemingly effortless sensuality he seemed to radiate. He had zipped up his trousers during our conversation, but his wet and muscular torso was still interesting, even to a proclaimed heterosexual like myself.

Oh god, that thought had really just crossed my mind, hadn't it?

James was good-looking as well, though in a different way. He was smaller, his features more delicate than Sirius'. Still, he made up for this by the over-the-top personality Sirius lacked. Where his partner in crime was restrained, James was completely uninhibited.

"I don't really know what to say," I remarked.

"Don't have to say anything, Remus," James told me.

"Yeah. Actions speak louder than words, mate." They were both looking at me pointedly. I blushed crimson as I became aware of the throbbing arousal between my legs. How had they known, dammit? I was wearing robes, for Merlin's sake!

"That—I'm not…"

They were laughing again. "No need to go justifying yourself, Remus," James quipped. "You're just as horny as the rest of us, though you don't like to admit it."

With that, he grabbed Sirius by the waist, pulling him close. The two pressed their mouths together hungrily, grinding down on each other.

I could feel my face getting hot. "S-Stop it!" I called, my voice cracking.

They broke apart. "Come on, Remus," Sirius goaded. "You afraid of us or something?"

"No…"

"Good." Before I could move, Sirius had drawn his wand. "_Noctex!" _

The blinding spell hit me square in the chest, knocking me off my feet. The bathroom disappeared as suddenly as if someone had pulled a sack over my head; everything gone completely black. It would stay that way until somebody worked the counter curse. I knew my friends would take it off eventually, but I was worried what was liable to happen to me between then and now.

"Stop it!" I yelled angrily, groping about in the darkness and falling painfully to my knees. "Take this thing off!"

"Sure, mate," Sirius' voice came, alarmingly close to me, "When we've finished."

"Finished?" I demanded, panicking slightly.

I felt two pairs of hands on me, dragging me forwards. I struggled, my mind going wild.  
"Don't make us have to use _impedimenta_, now…" James purred in my ear.

I felt myself shoved downwards, hitting the lukewarm water with a splash. I felt warm breath on my neck and suddenly my robes were being pulled up over my head. I cursed, a frightened sob escaping my throat.

The hands let go abruptly. "James stop." Sirius' voice was low and commanding. My robes were left alone. Instead, I felt warm fingers caressing my face. "We were just playing around, mate. If you don't like it, we'll stop. Didn't mean to scare you there."

"Yeah, well, walking in on your best friends sucking each other off can be slightly frightening."

"Hey, what are friends for?" Sirius chuckled.

"Come on, Remus," James said, a hint of a whine coming into his voice. "At least give it a try."

With that, a warm mouth was pressed against my own. I was so startled, my lips parted slightly, which was all the consent James was looking for. He thrust his tongue inside, flicking it over my teeth. It was very different than kissing a girl. James was dominating and insistent, gripping my shoulders with one hand and slipping the other around my waist. It wasn't unpleasant.

A moment later, he pulled away. I was left on my knees in the shallow water, gasping for breath. As much as it was scaring me, I was beginning to calm down a bit. These were my friends, my best mates. Was a little experimentation really such a bad thing?

"Whatever," I said finally, "But if we get caught I'm confiscating your dungbombs."

"Stupid prefect," one of them muttered (I wasn't sure which) before they both attacked me, knocking me back into the water with a splash. My lack of sight made everything muddled and, at the same time, strangely exciting. My robes were once again forced over my head, and cool hands descended on my chest, making my breath hitch in my throat. Fingers tugged at one of my nipples and I squirmed, shocked that something so simple could feel so good. Lips descended on my neck, while hands went to the fastenings of my trousers, easing them down my hips.

It was so odd, the feeling of being undressed by my male friends in a public bathroom.

"Which way do you like it, Remus?"

"W-What?" I stammered, suddenly embarrassed again.

James' voice dropped an octave. "I asked which way you like it. Hard, gentle, fast, slow? How?"

"Stop it, Potter, can't you see you're freaking him out?"

"No," I inserted, "I mean…I'm open to suggestions."

I could literally feel the wicked smiles on my friends' faces. Someone gripped me by the waist, laying me out until I was practically floating, my back only just touching the tile. The lips returned to my neck, laying hot, open-mouthed kisses against my burning skin. A pair of teeth began to tease the sensitive area around my nipple, sending shivers rippling up my spine.

It was extremely disconcerting, not knowing who was touching me where.

"Do, uh…do you guys think you could give me my vision back?"

"What do you think, Sirius?" James asked wantonly. "Do you think we should?"

"Believe me, Remus, it's better this way. It's more…what you call it…"

"Erotic?" I supplied.

"Exactly. You're so brainy, Remus. It's hot."

"Glad you think so," I answered, grinning slightly. "Not many—uhhh…"

A hand had suddenly moved lower, gripping my straining erection tightly. I was had been wondering when one of them would move down there. The hand began to pump up and down, slowly. Agonizingly slowly.

"Fuuuck," I moaned.

"God, Remus, you're so dirty tonight," James muttered close to my ear, answering my unspoken question of who was giving me the incredible hand job. I wasn't surprised that it was Sirius, somehow.

"Am I?" I asked James, reaching toward where I'd heard his voice. I gripped him by the hair, pulling him forward to kiss me again. James was awesome at it.

Suddenly, the fingers that were drawing wet circles around the head of my cock let go.

"Hey! That's not…guys?" There was no answer but the slap of the water around me. I sat up, my body burning from the lack of contact. Where the hell had those bastards gone?

"_Efindo!" _

The counter-curse washed over me, and suddenly my sight returned. James and Sirius had retreated to the other side of the bath. The had removed the rest of their clothing and were running their hands over each other, grinning at me cheekily."Jerks," I accused, standing up and sloshing through the water. I shoved Sirius to one side and pulled James to me, kissing him deeply. He moaned into my mouth, reaching around and giving my ass a squeeze.

Sirius seemed to take offense. "Fuck this," he muttered. He threw James down into the water and grabbed me by the chin, giving me a taste of his own talents. Our tongues entwined as he reached down and began the pumping thing again. We broke apart and I opened my eyes. The look on his face was both terrifying and arousing. He gave my erection a harsh twist. I gasped, throwing back my head and coming in his hand.

"Damn…" I mumbled, sinking down against the wall in a haze.

James was grinning from ear to ear, still on his knees. As I watched, my friends went back to the positions they had been in when I'd walked in. James licked his way along Sirius' thigh muscles, finally placing a small kiss on the head of his ample erection. Sirius was definitely, uh, well-endowed, leaving me and James quite in the dust. He groaned, twisting his fingers in James' black hair, hips bucking toward the teasing mouth.

It was almost shameful to admit, but I liked watching this. At the very least, it was bringing me back into the game; I was almost as hard as I'd been a moment ago. Sirius was gasping under the ministrations of James' torturing tongue, and I felt my hand go unconsciously to my own arousal. True, it wasn't as good as Padfoot had done it, but it took some of the pressure off.

Sirius let out an husky moan, shaking all over. "Prongs…god you're good at that."

James pulled away, wiping his mouth and grinning. They both turned toward me: their patient audience. Their smiles grew wider, sending a little shiver of warmth through my abdominal muscles.

"Do you want to take him, or shall I?"

Sirius' eyes were burning into me, the desire in them so strong I felt my pulse quicken. He closed the distance between us, sinking down in front of me. His hands crept along my thighs, nails scratching softly.

"It'll only hurt for a second," he told me throatily.

"No," I told him. "This is only going to happen if I get to be on top."

From the background, James punched a fist in the air. "That's right Moony, you tell him!"

Sirius threw him a look. "If that's what you want," he muttered, turning back to me and settling himself in the water. He nodded to one of the taps. "That stuff works the best."

"Believe me, we know," James added from the background. "Hurry it up, you two, I'm getting bored."

I stood up shakily, hardly believing what I was about to do. As I reached for the tap, Sirius said, "Fingers first."

I got the gist, coating my hand with the slippery foam spewing from the tap. I then turned back to Sirius, who was watching me expectantly.

"I'll walk you through it," he said softly, spreading his legs. "One finger first."

I knelt down, one sticky finger running over his tight entrance. For the life of me, I couldn't imagine how this could work. Still, I did as I was told and slid one slick finger inside. Sirius gasped, muscles clenching and unclenching as he twitched his hips.

"Another…another finger…" he managed to spit out, his head lolling back, "And…keep them moving."

I followed his instructions, liking the way this seemed to be driving him toward the edge of sanity. I drew the fingers out slowly.

Grasping hold of his shoulders, I took a breath, and then penetrated deeply. Perhaps a little too deeply, as his pained moan echoed through the tiled room.

"Sorry!" I said quickly, trying to pull out. But Sirius tensed his muscles, not letting me go.

"No," he gasped, "No. Do it again."

I complied, moving inside that tight tunnel of heat and pressure. My gasps mingled with Sirius' as he clutched at my chest, desperately trying to find something to hang onto.

"Oh…yeah…"

I glanced up. James was sitting with his back to the side of the bath, eyes closed to slits. His own hand was moving up and down his length, completely shameless.

I looked back at Sirius. He was looking at me, an impatient glint in his eyes. "Come on, Remus," he goaded, twitching his hips. He wrapped his legs around my waist. I'd thought, before we started, that I'd be able to keep my control, but I had been very wrong. My hips seemed to be moving of their own volition now, thrusting forward into Sirius over and over.

Suddenly, he cried out, his entire body tensing. Apparently, I'd done something right.

"Faster," he moaned.

I rolled my hips, hitting that sensitive cluster of nerves again. His features were screwed up in ecstasy, which only egged me on. I liked seeing him like this; helpless and gasping. He clenched his hip muscles, tightening around me, and the room almost spun. I came first, but I moved a hand to his erection, rubbing it mercilessly until his climax washed over him.

The two of us collapsed into the water, which was by now quite cold. James was laughing, coming to lie beside us. All three of us were completely spent.

"Dammit," I muttered, reality catching up to me. "What the hell did we just do?"

"Don't worry, Remus," James said, resting his head on Sirius' chest. "It doesn't mean anything. We're friends, right? I mean, Padfoot might be kinda sore in the morning, but…"

Sirius cuffed him around the head.

I sighed, staring up at the ceiling. "Hey, James, don't you have a girlfriend."

"Yeah," James answered, stretching luxuriously.

I laughed at his lack of concern. "So you two don't think this is going to bugger up our friendship?"

James snorted. "Please. The only one who's been buggered tonight is Sirius."

All three of us chuckled at that. It was then that the prefect's bathroom door banged open, revealing—

Heh, heh. But that's another story.


End file.
